Flower Boat More

September 18, 2005 by  
Filed under Die Cutting Machines and Supplies

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Poem I wrote for a girl....critique ?

The girl's mother had an accident and was in hospital!

It's hard to see your eye's like this,
Bloodshot and crying for more,
But I guess Ignorance is bliss,
Cause I want to go back to how it was before.

When I grew up you let me grow,
As a flower blossomed so did I,
I wanna tell you what you think you know,
Without you I think I would die.

Your still young and you rule my world,
So please don't let go now.
These a thousand things you should know
Like when I get married to that special man.

I wanna sail all the ocean with you,
On a boat that we made together,
We can sleep under the sky so blue,
You and me, cause I love you forever.

Now It's my turn to take control,
I will sacrifice my self for you,
You see you've been there for me forever,
Now it's my turn to return the favor

Hi,
It's a nice poem, well done. You put lots of emotions to rhyme (some good rhymes indeed, they did not seemed that forced) but you slipped into irrelevant and cliché phrases in some places. For example, Line 4 of stanza 4 "You and me, cause I love you forever" ruins the beauty and purity of the image you built. Instead try something like this:

"We can sleep under the sky so blue,
And let its kind blow take us forever..."

Also watch your diction. Erase slang words like "wanna" and write 'cause instead of cause. In stanza 3 It's you're not your, the concept is good, but the expression is not deep. Maybe something like "You're still the young queen of my world". See the difference? The line is still in tetrameter (8 syllables) but the "intensity" of it is more. You say more with writing less (A queene refers to a feminine ruler, one so important) this is what poetry is about, to say things in a different and new way using rhetorical techniques.

Overall your poem shows a lot of promise. Just work on it using my advice and then it will be the best gift for your gal 🙂

Good luck,
Lulle

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